YES!  I know you said yes.  My tear ducts are loading up just looking at it.  What about when Jason's parents came to the hospital?  And then when Jason asked Bryn if she would play basketball and hit golf balls with him? 

Sweetness beyond sweetness.  I'm getting chills right now, motherfuckers! 

The only thing I'm not crazy about on this show is Cookie, aka Da Boo Bo.  It drives me to the brink of insanity when they talk baby talk to and tip-toe around this crotchety fuzzy overgrown rat.  Maybe I'm taking this too far, but I consider her to be the animal version of Danielle (or maybe Danny the Ex Con), except Bethenny and Jason and Julie can't see it.  You know who can see it?  Shawn the wedding planner.  Anyhow, when Jason was holding Bryn at the hospital and said "Daddy's in love with three girls:  Mommy, Cookie and Bryn," I almost lost my MIND.  Go ahead, Cookie lovers!  Try to tell me that a wife, a child and a bitchy dog are all at the same level. 

On a more personal note, this show brought me to an epiphany.  I still love Frank.  Early this morning, I broke up Binta (which wasn't that difficult considering the rumors of her ungroomed chin hair).  I haven't heard back from her and I don't expect to.  I spoke to Frank, and he has graciously agreed to take me back.  We are going to have a recommittment ceremony (planned by Shawn, of course), and all of you will be invited.

****Oh--one more thing!  You MUST watch this--Andy Cohen and Stephen Colbert re-enacting the Bethenny - Kelly Brass Monkey fight.  Colbert breathes life into Kelly Bensimon; it is truly an inspired performance.  Thanks to Harvey Millstein, CID, for bringing it to my attention.****

to: 

date:  Tue, July 27

subject:  Binta

how are u today?i hope u are fine over there?pleas i am using this new yahoo to send u mail now.becos the other have a little problem okay.pleas let me know ur mind with me now so u can be sending mail to me in this box from now.
binta

Dear Binta, 

I'm doing much better now that I've heard from you!  So sorry to hear about your email problem.  I hope you're not trying anything fishy with all of these different addresses!  LOL!

You asked me about my feelings for you now.  Oh Binta, I assure you they have not changed.  My desire for you grows every day.  The only thing that's bringing me down is my family and friends being completely unsupportive of our relationship.  I hung up on my mother twice yesterday and my husband has taken the kids to God knows where.  Oh well.  C'est la vie!

So, tell me about you.  Where do you live?  How old are you?  How much do you weigh?  What kind of car do you drive?  Not that any of that matters, but since you didn't send those photos (or money!!!), I'm lost.   I'm desperate to know everything about you. 

Off to drink wine coolers with my friend Wanita.  I met her last night standing in line at Popeyes.  She's really sweet and a great listener.  I think you'd like her.  She's on parole for stabbing her niece, who actually sounds like a major asshole, so we probably won't get too wild.  What are you doing tonight? 

My heart belongs to you, B.

SGM

"Aw, Joe!  You ran up the credit cards minutes before we filed for bankrupcty.  Fabulouuuuuus!"

I hope their creditors were watching and taking notes. 

Bethenny looked beautiful on Watch What Happens Live last night AND she said shit twice.  Bravo's so cocky that it didn't even bleep it out for the second airing!  Speaking of second airing, doesn't Kim G look like a goddamn crusty dusty evil doll?  Especially in that pink room with the daybed of a thousand pillows.  Ick.

I have received word from Binta.  An update soon....

From:  binta <binta_basim@live.com>

To:

Date:  Tue, July 20

Subject:  Hello

My name is binta,i am good looking. I saw your profile on and i pick intrest on you after going through your profile and was delighted to contact you, I hope you will be the true loving, honest and caring,i will tell you more about me on my next mail to you,please contact me directly through my email address   and i will also send my pictures to you on my next mail.
Warm regard
From binta.

Dear Binta,

Thank you for your email.  I am delighted you contacted me too!  I must tell you that I found it so refreshing that you told me right off the bat that you are good looking.   I wish more people would do that. Attractiveness is an important factor that is best not left to the last sentence.  You clearly have a considerate and upfront nature.

I hope I'm not being presumptuous, but your email seems to suggest that you are interested a loving and perhaps sexual relationship with me.  I am beyond flattered (in fact I am blushing as I type this) but I have to be honest with you.  I am currently not a lesbian.  I don't know which of my profiles led you to me, but I'm guessing you saw this photo:

What can I say?  It was the early 90s, and everyone was into grunge.  Of course that doesn't explain my enthusiastic performance of the Running Man, but in my defense, I was at Mardi Gras and probably one or two hurricanes deep into my street dance routine.  So don't be embarrassed; you aren't the first person to mistake me for a lesbian (or a drug addict for that matter).

That being said, I somehow feel incredibly drawn to you.  Is it possible that maybe, just maybe, I am the Lindsay Lohan to your Samantha Ronson?  I'm sure this sounds strange, but I can already picture us playing frisbee with your dogs, harvesting our organic vegetable garden, and driving your mom and stepdad's camper to the middle of nowhere, snuggling at night in our zipped-together sleeping bags.  Binta, it's like a dream, a nocturnal emission of the brain, telling me that you might be The One.

I eagerly await your reply, and please send those photos.  In the meantime, I will prepare to tell my husband and children that I can't deny these feelings any longer.  I couldn't live with myself if I didn't pursue this chance at true happiness.   

Yours,

SGM 

p.s.  I really do need to see your pictures.  It's not that I don't trust you, because I do, but I need to make sure that your definition of good looking is the same as mine.  Also, if you could send a little cash, it would really help me out because I have a few debts to settle (I'm definitely not a drug addict but I do have the occasional bump of cocaine.  Totally not a big deal--I'll explain later).  Thank you so much, Binta!  I live for the moment we can meet in person.

(If you're unable to view the video, photos are here.)

The kitchen was loved by readers of Habitually Chic but mercilessly trashed on If the Lampshade Fits.  What do you think?  Beautiful and clean or boring and outdated?

On a related note, in the video Jeff is explaining that he doesn't have food in his own kitchen. "I just have alcohol," he jokes.  Well, I thought he said "I just had alcohol."   So my heart started racing and I was all "OMG HE IS DRUNK IN THE MORNING!  ON NATIONAL TV!  I LOVE HIM!!!!"  Then I went to his website and wrote an email to him to that effect.   So I would just like make public apology to Jeff since he has probaby marked all of my email as spam.  Jeff Lewis, I am so sorry.  Obviously I was the one who was drunk in the morning (though thank God not on national tv).

I hope you caught his appearance with RHONJ's Danielle on Watch What Happens Live.   He might have been a little buzzed then, but I can't be sure.  It's probably best for me to stop speculating about his sobriety.  Anyhow, he was sparkling and funny and Danielle was humorless and bony, which made for a magical show indeed.  If you missed it, here is a clip from the aftershow.

So hard to watch people struggle through difficult times. 

Just need a little time to recharge and address quality control issues.  In the meantime:

• A monkey's guide to using a curling iron.  (Kelly Bensimon's dumbest video yet)

• Bethenny on the cover of People.

• "Don't drop the soap" and other advice Joe Guidice might need to hear. (thanks to all of the tipsters)

(click through if you can't see the clip because it is mandatory viewing)

The only thing that's saving me right now is this:

It sets my loins afire!  But what the hell is wrong with that baby?

The season premieres on August 10.  Read more here (including the shocking news that Jett's last name is Pink).

In other Bravo news, the country's finest archaeologists have been working day and night digging up New York City looking for lost footage of the Real Housewives of New York City.  I am happy to report that they finally found it!  (Jill had buried it in an enormous bag of Ginger's poo along with 20 copies of the Coutness' cd and a bloody copy of Bethenny's book.)  Watch it TONIGHT.

(click through if you can't see the video)

Despite her overall freaky demeanor, this isn't too terrible (but then again, I have Tardy for the Party on  my ipod).  What do you think?

video via dlisted

(click through if you can't see the video)

Damn those law school snobs!  Albie, get yourself some meds and have Caroline pay off the admissions board at the University of Denver, where you can have a fresh start and I will be available (VERY available) to supervise your studies Hot for Teacher style.

Problem SOLVED.