Yes, Bethenny.  WE ARE!  Did you not see the cameras and boom mic on your way in?  Time to get back to work, sister--that Skinnygirl car ain't gonna pay for itself. 

Take a deep breath.  Do you smell it?  The stink of the rotting Orange County ladies has disappeared, and in its place is the fresh, briny air of the Hamptons and Ramoner's armpits.    In terms of dialogue and brains, we have gone from nibbling on bread to eating the whole damn loaf and washing it down with a shot of Patrón.  There's just so much more to...digest.  Here is your Real Housewives of New York City recap:

1.  Jill and the Countess are trudging toward the yacht Ramoner has borrowed for an end-of-summer party.  "Ahm stahving.  She bettah have some good food," are the pissy first words out of Jill's mouth.  Ramoner, clad in a yellow bikini, runs out to greet them, hips swinging, eyes bulging, wine glass raised to the sky.  Oh, how I have missed that crazy fucker Ramoner! 

After accepting an exuberant boa constrictor hug, Jill narrows her eyes and starts looking everything up and down.  "Who's yacht is this?"  She takes off her sunglasses, peers at Ramoner.  "What's different about you?"  Ramoner offers up some ideas, "I've gained five pounds!  I'm blonder!  I'm renewed!"  Jill shakes her head and everyone can read her mind: "there's NO WAY Ramoner can afford this yacht and she's too damn old be wearing a bikini."  Jill confirms this to the camera.  "Cover up!" she says grouchily.

Alex is the next to arrive.  She approaches the yacht hesitantly, as if she's a crippled zebra who has been invited to dinner with the hyenas.  Rightfully so!  Ramoner hates Alex and Simon like Alexis Bellino hates ugly people.  But Ramoner explains to the camera that in the spirit of renewal (which might conveniently remind you of Tru Renewal™), she thought "let me give Alex a fresh start with me."  What a gift!  She wraps a bewildered Alex in a warm, overly-familiar embrace and then nuzzles into Alex's neck.  

Alex comments on Ramoner's new haircut while Ramoner flips her hair around violently, "I'm an older version of Cameron Diaz!"  With her back to Ramoner, Jill sticks a finger down her throat.  As if.  Oh, Jill's not in a good mood, you guys. 

"Alex, smell me.  Older Cameron Diaz poached in wine, right?"

Then Ramoner sits everyone down and pulls out her collection of jewelry she's designed for HSN.  Jill rolls her eyes, irritated at the "hawking of wares."  Please.  Jill's just upset that Ramoner is getting a free commercial and ZARIN FABRICS is not.

She pulls Ramoner's friend Joni (aka Amalita) aside and starts complaining about how cheap Ramoner is.  Jill says that if it were her, she would tell everyone to pick out a piece of jewelry to take home.  "Ramoner is cheap," Jill says, and to her, there is no greater insult.  Joni defends Ramoner for a half a second before breaking down and telling Jill that when they went out to dinner the other night, Ramoner ordered a separate check.  "Ahm done!" Jill is filled with disgust as she stands up to walk away.

Bethenny is conspicuously absent from this gathering (so is Kelly, but no one seems to care).  Ramoner explains that Jill and Bethenny are fighting and Ramoner didn't invite Bethenny because she didn't want any drama (HA).  Jill holds court on the matter, telling everyone about the voicemail where Bethenny tells her to "get a hawby."  If you missed this part, don't worry; Jill repeats the story approximately 34 times this season.  Jill says that her BFF relationship with Bethenny turned out to be "all about what I could do for her."  She tells the camera with finality:  "I hadda cuddah out like cansuh."   OH SHIT.

2.  Cut to Bethenny, who is posing for the now famous PETA ad.  She speaks giddily of her boyfriend Jason.  A LOT.  As in, "did you send that nude picture of me to Jason?  Wait til Jason sees this!  Jason is my boyfriend.  We are in love, and it is mutual.  Have you sent the picture to my boyfriend yet?  You know, JASON?" 

Who are you, Bethenny Frankel?

"Bethenny, Jason called and says he wants you to jump."

"No problem.  Did he say whether he wanted a swan dive or feet first?"

Was anyone else thinking about their own butt from this angle?  I could be a spokesperson for cottage cheese.

3.  And we're back on the boat.  Ramoner and the Countess are loving it up on the deck, hugging and cooing until LuAnn, employing the Real Housewives Pearl Harbor Method of Confrontation, abruptly says "...but your husband."   She goes on say that Mario called her "Count-less" under his breath while they were at some rich people event and it hurt her feelings.  Ramona is briefly apologetic but turns defensive when LuAnn starts demanding some sympathy from Ramoner:  "With what I've been through, can you imagine how that felt?"

Yeah, don't expect Ramoner to nuzzle you on this one, Princess.  Oops, I mean Countess.  Ramoner shrugs it off and says that Mario was just being "playful."  What?  Even I don't believe that.  He clearly was taking a jab at LuAnn (and for the record, I'm totally cool with that).  Jill pops her head into the screen:  "It was insenstive!  ZARIN FABRICS!"

There's more back and forth until Ramoner, eyes twitching, shouts "You're making a mountain out of a hole hill, LuAnn!"  Yes!  A HOLE HILL!  Then Jill, as if speaking to a child, tries to explain exactly why and how what Mario said was hurtful.  But Ramoner is focussed on LuAnn who is lounging smugly in her seat.  "There are no titles in the U.S.!" Ramoner cries, and my eyes widen with appreciation.  But then Ramoner proceeds to lose it, spiraling down into an interpretive dance of crazy:   crouch, leap, shriek, repeat.  "You're not following your own rules, COUNTESS!  You're ruining my day!" she screams before storming into the cabin. 

Ramoner is inside getting hysterical ("I'm a nice person!  They're mean girls!") while outside, Jill and the Countess are trash talking Ramoner with a secretly thrilled Alex, who's thinking "I'm IN.  I'm finally IN. Wait til I tell Simon!"

The Countess eventually decides to find Ramoner, and when she does, Ramoner pops up cheerily, tears still on her face, and asks the Countess if she likes Patrón.  "LuAnn, I adore you!" she adds.  What?  "What is the toast?" says LuAnn, because we must always have a chin-chin, and Ramoner blathers incoherently about happiness.  Ramoner gives LuAnn a wine glass filled with a little tequila and clinks it roughly with her own. 

Cut to Jill who says to the camera, "I couldn't wait to get off this fricking boat."

4.  Bethenny is at her condo after the photoshoot.  She explains to her assistant why she and Jill are fighting.  "She cannot be happy for me unless it directly benefits her.  The whole summer it was 'what about me' and it was very grabby.  I don't like grabby.  Jason doesn't like grabby."   She talks about the "get a hobby" message.  Jason was right there when she said it!

Ding dong, guess who arrives?  JASON!  There is baby talk that just hurts my teeth, and then Jason gently reprimands Bethenny for sending him a nudie photo at work.    The whole photoshoot was "just uncomfortable" for him because Bethenny's cans are something that should be for just the two of them.  Oh honey, have you not seen the previews for this season?  We see Bethenny in the BATHROOM TAKING A PREGNANCY TEST. It's time you realize that there are no private moments when you are married to Skinnygirl, Inc.

5.  Back in the Hamptons, Jill and LuAnn meet Kelly for lunch.  Jill approaches Kelly, speaking in her native language of Kvetch:  "Outside?  Ya sitting outside?  It's hot!  Look at me, Ahm gonna melt!"  Oh GOD please make it stop!  Jill explains to the camera that she'd like to give Kelly another chance.  Okay.  Whatever.  Jill tells Kelly that she's staying with LuAnn.  To the camera, she says proudly "we sold our house at the top of the market."  I half expect her to shrug modestly and say "and the rich get richer."

WHY do I have all of this anger toward Jill? 

The women talk about Kelly's arrest and LuAnn's divorce.  I actually understand everything that comes out of Kelly's mouth, which worries me.  I even understand "I want to be Robin to a Batman."  Help.

Jill's turn.  She's had a rough summer because Bobby was diagnosed with thyroid cansuh.  Guess who didn't visit Bobby in the hospital?  Bethenny.  She sent flowers instead.  "My mailman sent flowers," Jill says.  Really?  You must have a pretty close relationship with your mailman.  Then Jill tells the Bethenny Voicemail Story.  She told Jill to get a hobby, can you believe it?!  Sigh.

"I would never want to cross [Bethenny]," Kelly reflects, "because she would attack me or say something bad."  Um, remember The Brass Monkey Incident, you dumbshit?  You have had first-hand experience with Bethenny and her wood-chipper mouth.   "That's not a friend," Kelly explains.  "That's a foe."  So perceptive.

6.  This next scene, the fight between Bethenny and LuAnn, I cannot do it justice.   I will attempt it, but please know that it was one hundred times better than I could ever describe it. 

Jason, driving the godawful Skinnygirl car, drops Bethenny off for a mandatory drinks meeting with her co-worker LuAnn.  Bethenny's annoyed because 1) she doesn't really want to be there in the first place (JASON, you know) and 2) LuAnn insisted last minute that Bethenny come to her in the Hamptons. 

Bethenny greets LuAnn tiredly and mentions that it took her 2 hours to get there.  "Darling, it's Labor Day weekend," LuAnn says in her typically condescending manner.  "No, but you don't understand--" Bethenny starts, only to interrupted by "I know, that's why you're late."  No, actually that's not what Bethenny meant AT ALL, and she explains that she was really put out by LuAnn's selfish request that B drag her ass to the Hamptons.  LuAnn says a bunch of b.s. that loosely translates to "Bethenny, don't you understand that my needs are more important than yours?"

Then the Countess puts a little smirk on her face and goes in for the passive-aggressive kill.  "Are you inviting me for drinks and then going to complain that I didn't pay up?  I just want to be clear."  Cue the side-eye.

Bethenny doesn't quite believe what she's hearing and says that yes, she will pick up the tab.  LuAnn starts to lecture about "in my world, when you invite somone, you pick up the tab."  She is referring, of course, to the offhand comment Bethenny made at the beginning of Season 2 when Countess Snootypants ran off leaving Bethenny to pay for their surfing lesson.

Bethenny's eyes grow wide as saucers and she says something to the effect of "are you fucking kidding me?"  Nope.  LuAnn's totally serious, and I want to punch her in her self-satisfied face.  "I can't be friendly with you if you're making snarky comments behind my back," she says.  Bethenny makes a magnificent and impassioned statement to the camera:  "your house does not have one inch that's not glass and I'm gonna take a rock and throw it straight through every window right now."  The crowd roars! 

Bethenny, going 100 miles per hour, proceeds to call LuAnn a hypocrite (sound familiar, LuAnn?) and tells her she's so tired of all of the scolding about manners.  She gives specific examples and LuAnn just sputters.  She can tell she's losing this battle and attacks from a different angle--Bethenny was not there for her when she was going through her divorce.  "I sent you a gift basket!" Bethenny exclaims, "we're not great friends!"

They get all heated and LuAnn suddenly calls a truce and offers up her glass for a toast.  Bethenny's head almost pops off.  "No," she says.  "I need a minute."  To the camera she says "After I just ripped off your whole costume, you want a truce?!"

They try to chill out and change the subject.  LuAnn asks about the Skinnygirl car, rasing her eyebrows and making clear she thinks that car is the very definition of tacky.  Which it is.  Bethenny tries to explain that it's a brand just like Hermes (little bit of a stretch) but LuAnn's not listening and says something stupid (I wasn't listening either) to which Bethenny tells the camera "EXACTLY, YOU DUMB DRAG QUEEN!"  Oh, how I loved that part!    

Bethenny just wants to get out of there so she makes an insincere apology for the surfing comment and then they both say that they will be "real" with each other.  Bethenny reluctantly gives LuAnn a fake hug that makes her, along with the rest of us, feel dirty inside. 

Then it's over.  My head is spinning.  This season is going to be straight out of Andy Cohen's sweaty dreams. 

Let 'er rip!

The artist is a man after my own heart, David Gilmore at Pretty on the Outside.  His etsy shop will make you convulse with happiness. 

(Many thanks to Joy who brought this to our attention in the comments of the last post.)

1.  Ryan.  Poor Ryan.


"So, like, I live with my grandma but she's totally cool with me having sleepovers, you dig?"

2.  My husband bet me $5 that Shane Keough would hook up with Alexa or Raquel.  Although there was no evidence of them even talking, I feel like it must have happened (with Alexa at least).  I will pay up.

How nice were Kara and Jeana, by the way, stepping in to rescue Lynne when she was fumbling around trying to parent the sullen Alexa?  Heroic. 

3.  Vicki's dress.  Holy shitballs!  Not only did she flash her hoochie-coochie every time she took a step, but when she was comforting Tamra, there was a discomforting amount of sandbag boob showing.  Sorry to be so harsh, Vick, but when you try on clothes, you need to keep in mind that you will be moving in them.  (For those of you who didn't see the dress, I'll try to find a good picture).

4.  Alexis' mom's brow lift. 

I couldn't tell a difference.  I needed some close-ups as well as before and after photos.  She was wearing make-up, though.  Hopefully she'll be able to smuggle some back to Missouri in her suitcase:  "See?  This is called Lipstick.  No, you don't eat it--you smear it on your lips and it will attract the menfolk."  Oh wait, she lives in Colorado now.  Maybe she can do some sort of air-lift.

5.  When Simon approached Vicki and crying Tamra, was your heart was RACING like mine?  EEK!  Tamra has emerged as quite the sympathetic figure.  Simon was just awful and scary last night.

I did find the jingle-jangle of her earrings to be oddly soothing.

"Tamra, have you ever thought about the therapeutic benefits of plastic surgery?  I just know that some skin resurfacing and a small butt implant would make Simon less angry and mean."

6.  There was a moment when Jim was talking to Frank, and he was being pretty decent and kind about the eviction, and just as I was thinking "I've been too hard on him..." he asks "do you go to church?" and DAMN.  He ruined all of my warm feelings.  Have you ever been on the receiving end of that question?  AWKWARD.

7.  There is no hope for the Curtin sisters. No hope at all.  What did you think about Slade tattling on them to Frank?

8.  Quinn!  I didn't see her in the show but spotted her in the photos, still proudly sporting her mile-long cleavage.

9.  Lauri!  Was anyone else a little surprised to see she's still married?

"Gretchen, I think we both know that Slade needs a little bit more to hold onto up here."

What did I miss?  Thoughts?

Next up, Real Housewives of New York City recap.

Ah, the philosophical musings of Alexis--how I do learn from her.  Who knew that the key to happiness and personal fulfillment is just a few thousand dollars and a face-bashing away?  I look forward to her upcoming treatise (co-authored by Heidi Montag), If God Didn't Want Me to Get Plastic Surgery, Then Why Did He Invent Brow Lifts?  Or something like that. 

Congratulations to those of you who have not yet given up on the Real Housewives of Orange County.  Sitting through this last episode was a major achievement.  The ridiculousness that we usually enjoy has now morphed into something sad and boring, much like Alexis' mom's face (joke), and leaves me begging for mercy, or at least a whole chocolate cake and a fork.  Here's your recap!

1.  Guess who Vicki has invited over for margaritas and sympathy?  Jeana!  I must say, she is a sight for sore eyes, and our eyes are indeed feeling very beat-up after seeing Vicki walk out in this:

An entire outfit made from cut-off Spanx and lace!  "It's my weekend romper," Vicki says with a modest smile after Jeana has no choice but to comment on it.  This is why I have not given up on this show.  Thank you, Vicki.

Vicki tells the camera that she invited Jeana over because the other Housewives made her feel sad and wrinkly on the San Francisco trip.  "I need real friends like Jeana," she says.  Oh, the delicious irony!  Vicki explains to Jeana that Tamra sided with Alexis, and then says that even though she and Jeana have had their tough times, Vicki has always had Jeana's back.  I was dying for Jeana to spit out her drink in shock, but instead she nods vaguely.  She later tells the camera, "Vicki deserved it a little bit.  She didn't have my back."  It's not the tongue-lashing I was hoping for, but that's our Eeyore Jeana.  I'll take it.  

"I have always had your back, Jeana.  Except for when I repeatedly said you were irresponsible and broke and a crappy realtor.  Then there were those several times that I mentioned you've done a terrible job raising your kids.  I might have also pushed you out of the show and led the mean-spiritied t.p. attack on your house, but other than that, I've been totally loyal." 

2.  Alexis' mom Penelope comes to visit from Colorado to get a brow lift.  We see them at the plastic surgeon's office and Alexis can barely contain her excitement as the doctor tries to upsell mom on other procedures, like permanent eyeliner.  As bloggersabode commented, TRASHY.  I thought permanent eyeliner was a back-alley job only.  (Really, has anyone seen a good permanent eyeliner job?  I want to know.)

3.  Tamra visits Lynne at Lynne's mom's house.  Lynne is trying to decide whether to leave Frank and Tamra says "let me ask you this:  does he cheat on you?"  Lynne, in all earnestness, says "No.  He's germaphobic.  He'd never cheat on me."  Tamra looks stunned, then bursts into snorty laughter.  Lynne clearly doesn't understand what's so funny, but that doesn't stop her from giggling up a storm.

"Do you see that tiny pink zebra pushing a shopping cart over there?  Now that's funny!"

4.  It's Tamra's 42nd birthday party with friends at a restaurant.  "What a better way to celebrate that getting together with my hos and my 'mos and getting day drunk?"  So, yeah.  You can already see barf on jeweled flip flops, can't you?

Lynne is the only Housewife there.  Cut to Vicki who asks the camera "who has a birthday party on a Tuesday at 11?  I'M WORKING.  Always working.  In the middle of the day, I'm working."  Really, Vicki?  I had no idea. 

Is anyone else's blood pressure totally elevated right now?

Instead of delivering Tamra's gift in person after she gets off WORK, Vicki has her assistant David drop it off.  It's a show-off move, and Vicki's subtle way of saying that she's still pissed at Tamra for not pledging allegiance to the United States of Vicki. 

David:  "I'm just dropping off Vicki's present.  It's a dvd of Vicki saying she can't buy you a present because she's too busy working."

Even while she's spilling her syrupy drink and getting hammered, Tamra knows she's been snubbed. 

5.  Alexis and her mom go to lunch.  Alexis talks about how difficult it was to grow up in Missouri because she liked to wear make-up and heels while all the other girls liked to roll around in poo.  Oh, she didn't say it outright about the poo, but that's what she meant.  (Andy Cohen, you are from Missouri.  I need to see you represent at the reunion, honey.)

The subject turns to mom's brow lift, and Alexis says her bit about plastic surgery and love, etc.  She goes on to tell the camera that her mom really needs this brow lift because she is so simple, so plain, so washed-out.  You know what I say to that?

TAKE HER TO THE DAMN LANCOME COUNTER AT MACY'S!  Don't talk her in to spending $13,000 on a major surgery that she doesn't need!  Even better, I'm sure Gretchen and Ronald Ann would love to get their hands on Penelope, and it wouldn't cost more than a couple hundred dollars.   A brow lift won't fix the "simple, plain, washed-out" problem, but a little Gretchen Christine Beauté will (did you guys see she fixed the accent?  Whew).  

I have no objection to plastic surgery or any type of cosmetic procedure.  Bearing children is murder on the boobs and the tummy.  Some of us don't bounce back like others.  Some of us think we have bad skin or big noses.  If you have the money and the desire to fix it, do it.  But when you're 32 and calling plastic surgery "maintenance" as well as a means to personal enlightenment, that's when I have to call bullshit.     

6.  Alexa and Raquel have dinner together at home and talk shit about their parents.  My favorite line is "My parents just want to live out their dream.  So, I don't know if this is what they consider their dream, getting evicted."  And Lynne and Frank are burrrrrrned by the retard sisters.

7.  Briana doesn't have cancer.  She, Vicki and Donn celebrate with a shot of tequila.   Woo hoo.

8.  Lynne and Frank go out for dinner to decide whether their marriage is worth saving.  Lynne talks about how much she's sacrificed--she's doing her own hair and skipped her spray tan this week.  She's also having a baboon do her make-up (just a guess). 

They murmur their clichés to each other and then decide to stay together.  Big surprise. 

9.  Gretchen Christine Beauté makes its debut at the Women's Expo.  Not exactly sure what that is, but Gretchen appears to be headlining it.  She has obviously shelled out a lot of dough for her booth, which is really more of a satin tent with a disco floor and huge sexy photos of Gretchen herself.  

According to Gretchen, thirty thousand people attended last year's expo, but this year?  Empty.  Crickets, except for one girl wearing an ipod and work-out clothes.   Gretchen is confident it's just the bad economy and remains optimistic.

"I know you're just dropping off fliers for the Italian buffet next door, but can I interest you in a makeover and some dancing by Slade Smiley?"

10.  I'm not even going to talk about Tamra's birthday dinner with Simon.  Same old arguments (Vicki is like Hitler, Tamra is cuckoo-crazy and Simon doesn't tongue her in public anymore).  They take a gondola ride to dee-vorce. 

Next week, the FINALE and traditional end of season party.  Alexa and Raquel get drunk, Lauri Waring makes an appearance, and Tamra screams to Simon "Iwantadivorcefuckyou!"  Then, at long last, sweet relief when the Real Housewives of New York City premieres.

In the meantime, please enjoy this tiny Ramoner gif, the creation of which stretched my brain to its very limits.

Have a splendid weekend, kittens!

You're just now noticing this, Vicki?  Fun ditched this show a long time ago, honey.  But do you see us angrily sliding out of restaurant booths and declaring "I'm out"?  Do we stand outside, crying reptilian tears, waiting to be coddled and cajoled into coming back?  No.  We fucking man-up and WE WATCH THE DAMN SHOW.  If you think it's not fun for you, the person getting paid for this nonsense, think about how it feels to be us, okay?  Then you come back and talk about fun.

While Fun may be gone, Drama and Histrionics showed up for work right on time and delivered a thrilling fight.  Those two keep this show afloat.  Here's your Real Housewives of Orange County recap:

1.  The argument that began in the last episode continues.  Alexis is in the middle of lecturing Vicki, telling her that she should take responsibility for her rude behavior.  "I am.  You too," says Vicki, giving Alexis the most chilling smile I have seen outside of Hannibal Lecter.  Gretchen and Tamra bravely speak up and admit that Vicki offends them too.   Vicki goes into "FINE.  FINE!" mode, not listening to a word anyone is saying.  Tamra tells the camera that she wishes Vicki would stop playing the victim and defend herself.  "Yes!" I hiss from the couch, fists clenched.  Don't just sit there buzzing with anger and indignation, Vicki!  If you think you did nothing wrong, fight back! 

She has the perfect opportunity when Alexis says to her, "out of the five girls [sic] here, four of us say that you say things that are offensive sometimes."  Vicki stabs her salad murderously and says "what is this, gang up on Vicki day?  STOP."   But does Alexis do as she is told?  No, because in her mind, Vicki is an aging Goliath with jowls and Alexis is David with 800 cc implants.  "Just take responsibility," she tells Vicki. 

"This is not happening," Vicki says, BUT YET IT IS.  

"I'm trying to help you," Alexis insists. 

"You don't need to help me.  I'M GOOD," Vicki answers with a withering look and you know what?  Vicki scares the bejesus out of me.  But not Alexis, who is used to dealing with stubborn assholes.  She persists, and Vicki is in the process of LOSING IT. Let me show you:

EEK!  Meanwhile, look who's trying to supress a smile:

Ha!  Then Vicki does what she does best when she loses control of a situation--she bails.   "I'm out," she says, as she nudges Briana out of the booth. 

She makes her way outside, water in hand, where she cries and waits to be mollified.  Briana stands up and defends Vicki in a I-know-my-mom's-a-bitch-but-we-were-having-a-nice-lunch-here kind of way.  Briana and Tamra are the first to go fetch Vicki while Alexis inexplicably calls out to them "tell her we love her."

Outside, Briana manages to calm Vicki down.  What would we do without Briana?  You know Michael, her other kid, would still be at the table eating his lunch and saying "ladies, you're preaching to the choir.  Any of you interested in a little game of cards?"

Unsurprisingly, everyone makes their way outside to either participate in or watch the rest of the fight.  Alexis, while at first conciliatory, soon scolds Vicki thusly:  "you've said a lot of naughty things to me that aren't very fun."  Oh, how I hooted at this!  Naughty naughty Vicki!

Meanwhile, Lynne's in the background saying "what?  What was said you guys?"  I am suddenly envisioning what it must have been like to sit next to Lynne in high school.  Torture.

Alexis comes back to the "you don't work" comment that Vicki made at Lynne's housewarming.  "You don't!" Vicki yells, "OWN IT!"  To the camera, Vicki mentions the two nannies.  Score one for Vicki.

Lynne:  "So wait, are we still fighting about me not being strict enough with my girls?"

Alexis tries to explain that Vicki insulted everyone who was there, and Vicki denies.  At this point, Alexis couldn't get her to admit that the sky is blue.  Vicki heads for their limo and laments "the fun is gone" to GRETCHEN, of all people.  Vicki tells the camera that what Alexis did is "unforgivable."  

As Barb commented, "Poor Vicki; you're either with her or against her."  For the record, I am against her.  But I did like her jacket and her necklace. 

2.  After a commerical, Tamra and Alexis are waiting inside at the table, and Lynne, Gretchen and Briana coax Vicki back inside.  Strange bedfellows INDEED. 

Alexis apologizes and we hear, but do not see, the tiniest, quietest apology from Vicki.  Briana's all "HELLO! I have this crap all over my neck and I'm the calmest one here!"  So Alexis announces that she wants to pray for Briana and requests that everyone holds hands.

At this point, I'm thinking, "that's a nice gesture."  While I'm not particularly religious, I am always touched when people say they'll pray for me.  I really believe it's a lovely and kind thing to do.  But what Alexis does is, uh, weird and long and more weird.    Alexis prays about parting the red sea and feeding the masses and everyone feels like Lynne is looking (i.e. "wtf is going on here?"):

Na's comment sums up my feelings on the matter: 

And Alexis' prayer...'I want to pray over you' 'Father God I lift Briana up to you'. Poor Briana, that prayer alone convinced God to give her cancer.

I'm down with Jesus and everything, but there are few things I dislike more than a showboat christian.

YES.  (FYI, I am integrating comments because it was either that or plagiarize.  Y'all are a clever group and I'm writing this late at night.)

After the prayer, Vicki says that the damage is done and Alexis is dead to her (basically). 

3.  At home, Tamra debriefs Simon on the San Francisco trip.  He subtly insults her and tells her to stop hanging out with the other Housewives.  Right, because what the two of you need right now is one less paycheck.  SIGH.  The stank of divorce is in the air, and I'm finding Tamra to be more likable.

4.  I will not bore you with the details of Slade and Gretchen's trip to Palm Springs.  All you need to know is that they all stayed in a Merv Griffin museum instead of a hotel and that Gretchen's mom Brenda is wary of Slade.  Oh, and Brenda wears a glittery visor and a banana clip.  Endearing to no end.  Why can't Briana have a Brenda?

5.  Frank is packing up the Curtin household and being pathetic. Did anyone else notice that, unless Frank is a professional packer, they obviously hired movers?  That's not cheap.  I would have loved to see a Uhaul pull up with Donn, Jim and Andy Cohen in wifebeaters ready to help. 

6.  No results from Briana's biopsy.  Vicki wants to call and say "I'M HER MOTHER; GIVE ME THOSE RESULTS NOW!" but Briana says no.  How totally exhausting it would be to have Vicki as your mother.

7.  Tamra invites Vicki on a walk to resolve what happened in San Francisco and The Simon Issue.  Vicki immediately launches into Tamra about how she doesn't defend Vicki.  Re Lynne's housewarming, Vicki says "I heard it was a hatefest after I left.  I would expect you to stand up for me."  Who ratted everyone out like that?  Andy Cohen?  I do wonder.  

Tamra is upfront with Vicki, telling her that when it comes to Simon, she has to side with him.  When it comes to those other bitches, though, she says she's not going to stand by and listen to them rip Vicki apart (even though she did).  Tamra feels caught in the middle of Vicki and the world.  Nothing is resolved. 

Did you see Vicki drop that f-bomb?  Bravo immediately cut to Tamra's 4 year old daughter in the stroller.  Nice one, Vick. 

8.  Alexis and Jim are having a date night.  Jim's just generally being an a-hole and announces to the world how retarded Alexis is because she thinks "surf n' turf" (what Jim ordered) means lobster and steak.  "Absolutely NOT" he chuckles haughtily and then defers to the waiter to have him explain, I suspect because he sees an opportunity to ridicule someone else.  Let us turn to Virgie's comment for the answer:

 I think we all know the answer to that.

"Admit it," Jim demands, trying to act like it's a joke.  "Admit you don't know what surf n' turf is!" 

Alexis, I know that "divorce is not an option" is your marital mantra but psssst, it is.

9.  Alexis and Jim invite their pastor and his wife over for breakfast because Alexis is allegedly feeling guilty about how she treated Vicki in San Francisco.  Jentezen (the pastor) and Cherise (the wife) clearly don't know who the fuck these two are, but seem up for a little camera time.  After some niceties, Jim asks how they deal with the pressure of being held to such high standards of behavior.  Actually, it's more of a rhetorical question since Jim already knows all of the answers.  Jim muses on the fact that because he calls himself Christian, people feel they can judge him by how he dresses, and by his wife's breast size and WHAT?!  Did he just tacitly ask the pastor to approve his Ed Hardy wardrobe and Alexis' gigantor boobs?

Yes, I believe he did.  The pastor, who has the best evangelical accent you could ever hope for, is unruffled and tells Alexis she doesn't have to dress like a nun, and that God can use her beauty to reach people He wouldn't normally reach.  Cue the anon who commented "the minister should have then said to Jim: 'And God wants you to be fat-faced and unlikeable.'" 

Anyhow, I think the pastor needs to be a little more specific with these two, as in "don't dress like you're auditioning for Busty Anal Cougars Part 4."

10.  Lynne and Alexa visit Frank at his hotel to hash things out Curtin-style, which means using meaningless cliches and saying "what the hell?" a lot.  Frank is meek and almost cowering as he answers the door and murmurs "hi girls.  You look pretty.  You look pretty too."  You know you're in a bad place emotionally when you're afraid of Lynne.    Alexa whines and cries, and Lynne says things like "this has been like a near death experience for me" and "I just want my dog to have a home."  Do they even have a dog?  Then Frank, financial expert that he is, announces "I feel a real family vacation coming on!"  Lynne is obviously thinking "YES!  Awesome idea!" but Alexa snaps everyone back to reality by calling bullshit, WE DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY you stupid motherfuckers.

Frank promises that everything will be okay.  "This is our year!" he says after the vacation suggestion doesn't go over so well. How have Lynne and Frank survived all these years?  I'm not talking about their marriage, but about how they manage to stay alive from day to day without accidentally killing themselves.  Forget about parting the Red Sea, Lynne and Frank are the real miracles.

That's the show.  If you don't have cable, you can watch the full episode here.  Next Thursday, Briana gets the results of her biopsy, Vicki is a no-show at Tamra's birthday party and Lynne contemplates divorce. 

What do you think?  Did Jeana take the fun with her when she left, or has it been gone for awhile?  Speak up.