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    Entries in Real Housewives of Orange County (57)


    Quick, duck!  

    I forgot all about the Real Housewives of Orange County reunion (Part 1) last night.  Didn't watch it, didn't dvr it.  I think I completely blocked it out of my mind when I saw that Gretchen and Tamra were going to be kissing each other.  (NO, I am not even kidding).  It looks like the whole show is online but I can't tell because Bravo's videos are allllllll screwed up today.  Can anyone fill me in?

    Are you ready for episode 2 of the Real Housewives of New York City tonight?  Sadly, I can't tell you what we have to look forward to because of the aforementioned fubar video situation.  I just know Andy Cohen is out at lunch instead of fixing this.  Oh, and Jill Zarin and Nene Leakes (hope she addresses this) will be on Watch What Happens Live tonight.  See you after!

    UPDATE:  okay, I love Andy again.  Red Bulls (with straws) for everyone!

    (click through if you can't see the video)


    So much so much SO MUCH to talk about

    Let's start by talking about the Real Housewives of Orange County finale.  I'm not going to recap it, but here are some talking points.

    1.  Ryan.  Poor Ryan.

    "So, like, I live with my grandma but she's totally cool with me having sleepovers, you dig?"

    2.  My husband bet me $5 that Shane Keough would hook up with Alexa or Raquel.  Although there was no evidence of them even talking, I feel like it must have happened (with Alexa at least).  I will pay up.

    How nice were Kara and Jeana, by the way, stepping in to rescue Lynne when she was fumbling around trying to parent the sullen Alexa?  Heroic. 

    3.  Vicki's dress.  Holy shitballs!  Not only did she flash her hoochie-coochie every time she took a step, but when she was comforting Tamra, there was a discomforting amount of sandbag boob showing.  Sorry to be so harsh, Vick, but when you try on clothes, you need to keep in mind that you will be moving in them.  (For those of you who didn't see the dress, I'll try to find a good picture).

    4.  Alexis' mom's brow lift. 

    I couldn't tell a difference.  I needed some close-ups as well as before and after photos.  She was wearing make-up, though.  Hopefully she'll be able to smuggle some back to Missouri in her suitcase:  "See?  This is called Lipstick.  No, you don't eat it--you smear it on your lips and it will attract the menfolk."  Oh wait, she lives in Colorado now.  Maybe she can do some sort of air-lift.

    5.  When Simon approached Vicki and crying Tamra, was your heart was RACING like mine?  EEK!  Tamra has emerged as quite the sympathetic figure.  Simon was just awful and scary last night.

    I did find the jingle-jangle of her earrings to be oddly soothing.

    "Tamra, have you ever thought about the therapeutic benefits of plastic surgery?  I just know that some skin resurfacing and a small butt implant would make Simon less angry and mean."

    6.  There was a moment when Jim was talking to Frank, and he was being pretty decent and kind about the eviction, and just as I was thinking "I've been too hard on him..." he asks "do you go to church?" and DAMN.  He ruined all of my warm feelings.  Have you ever been on the receiving end of that question?  AWKWARD.

    7.  There is no hope for the Curtin sisters. No hope at all.  What did you think about Slade tattling on them to Frank?

    8.  Quinn!  I didn't see her in the show but spotted her in the photos, still proudly sporting her mile-long cleavage.


    9.  Lauri!  Was anyone else a little surprised to see she's still married?

    "Gretchen, I think we both know that Slade needs a little bit more to hold onto up here."


    What did I miss?  Thoughts?

    Next up, Real Housewives of New York City recap.


    Double-header tonight!

    And I'm not talking about the writhing, drunken monster that is Raquel and Alexa Curtin.  Oh, no!  Tonight we are blessed with the Real Housewives of Orange County finale that no one really cares about (except me?) and then the long-awaited premiere of Season 3 of the Real Housewives of New York City.

    Personally, I cannot wait for a good healthy dose of Kelly Bensimon's gibberish (get a taste of it here), and I plan to make this face:

    at least 7 times tonight. 

    We'll reconvene here after it all goes down!

    Click below for the latest RHOC radio recap with Mason of Seattle's Movin 92.5 (warning:  Missouri will be DEFENDED.)

    A Bit of Evil


    "[Plastic surgery] makes people happier, it makes them fall back in love with themselves and become better people to everyone else."

    Ah, the philosophical musings of Alexis--how I do learn from her.  Who knew that the key to happiness and personal fulfillment is just a few thousand dollars and a face-bashing away?  I look forward to her upcoming treatise (co-authored by Heidi Montag), If God Didn't Want Me to Get Plastic Surgery, Then Why Did He Invent Brow Lifts?  Or something like that. 

    Congratulations to those of you who have not yet given up on the Real Housewives of Orange County.  Sitting through this last episode was a major achievement.  The ridiculousness that we usually enjoy has now morphed into something sad and boring, much like Alexis' mom's face (joke), and leaves me begging for mercy, or at least a whole chocolate cake and a fork.  Here's your recap!

    1.  Guess who Vicki has invited over for margaritas and sympathy?  Jeana!  I must say, she is a sight for sore eyes, and our eyes are indeed feeling very beat-up after seeing Vicki walk out in this:

    An entire outfit made from cut-off Spanx and lace!  "It's my weekend romper," Vicki says with a modest smile after Jeana has no choice but to comment on it.  This is why I have not given up on this show.  Thank you, Vicki.

    Vicki tells the camera that she invited Jeana over because the other Housewives made her feel sad and wrinkly on the San Francisco trip.  "I need real friends like Jeana," she says.  Oh, the delicious irony!  Vicki explains to Jeana that Tamra sided with Alexis, and then says that even though she and Jeana have had their tough times, Vicki has always had Jeana's back.  I was dying for Jeana to spit out her drink in shock, but instead she nods vaguely.  She later tells the camera, "Vicki deserved it a little bit.  She didn't have my back."  It's not the tongue-lashing I was hoping for, but that's our Eeyore Jeana.  I'll take it.  

    "I have always had your back, Jeana.  Except for when I repeatedly said you were irresponsible and broke and a crappy realtor.  Then there were those several times that I mentioned you've done a terrible job raising your kids.  I might have also pushed you out of the show and led the mean-spiritied t.p. attack on your house, but other than that, I've been totally loyal." 

    2.  Alexis' mom Penelope comes to visit from Colorado to get a brow lift.  We see them at the plastic surgeon's office and Alexis can barely contain her excitement as the doctor tries to upsell mom on other procedures, like permanent eyeliner.  As bloggersabode commented, TRASHY.  I thought permanent eyeliner was a back-alley job only.  (Really, has anyone seen a good permanent eyeliner job?  I want to know.)

    3.  Tamra visits Lynne at Lynne's mom's house.  Lynne is trying to decide whether to leave Frank and Tamra says "let me ask you this:  does he cheat on you?"  Lynne, in all earnestness, says "No.  He's germaphobic.  He'd never cheat on me."  Tamra looks stunned, then bursts into snorty laughter.  Lynne clearly doesn't understand what's so funny, but that doesn't stop her from giggling up a storm.

    "Do you see that tiny pink zebra pushing a shopping cart over there?  Now that's funny!"

    4.  It's Tamra's 42nd birthday party with friends at a restaurant.  "What a better way to celebrate that getting together with my hos and my 'mos and getting day drunk?"  So, yeah.  You can already see barf on jeweled flip flops, can't you?

    Lynne is the only Housewife there.  Cut to Vicki who asks the camera "who has a birthday party on a Tuesday at 11?  I'M WORKING.  Always working.  In the middle of the day, I'm working."  Really, Vicki?  I had no idea. 

    Is anyone else's blood pressure totally elevated right now?

    Instead of delivering Tamra's gift in person after she gets off WORK, Vicki has her assistant David drop it off.  It's a show-off move, and Vicki's subtle way of saying that she's still pissed at Tamra for not pledging allegiance to the United States of Vicki. 

    David:  "I'm just dropping off Vicki's present.  It's a dvd of Vicki saying she can't buy you a present because she's too busy working."

    Even while she's spilling her syrupy drink and getting hammered, Tamra knows she's been snubbed. 

    5.  Alexis and her mom go to lunch.  Alexis talks about how difficult it was to grow up in Missouri because she liked to wear make-up and heels while all the other girls liked to roll around in poo.  Oh, she didn't say it outright about the poo, but that's what she meant.  (Andy Cohen, you are from Missouri.  I need to see you represent at the reunion, honey.)

    The subject turns to mom's brow lift, and Alexis says her bit about plastic surgery and love, etc.  She goes on to tell the camera that her mom really needs this brow lift because she is so simple, so plain, so washed-out.  You know what I say to that?

    TAKE HER TO THE DAMN LANCOME COUNTER AT MACY'S!  Don't talk her in to spending $13,000 on a major surgery that she doesn't need!  Even better, I'm sure Gretchen and Ronald Ann would love to get their hands on Penelope, and it wouldn't cost more than a couple hundred dollars.   A brow lift won't fix the "simple, plain, washed-out" problem, but a little Gretchen Christine Beauté will (did you guys see she fixed the accent?  Whew).  

    I have no objection to plastic surgery or any type of cosmetic procedure.  Bearing children is murder on the boobs and the tummy.  Some of us don't bounce back like others.  Some of us think we have bad skin or big noses.  If you have the money and the desire to fix it, do it.  But when you're 32 and calling plastic surgery "maintenance" as well as a means to personal enlightenment, that's when I have to call bullshit.     

    6.  Alexa and Raquel have dinner together at home and talk shit about their parents.  My favorite line is "My parents just want to live out their dream.  So, I don't know if this is what they consider their dream, getting evicted."  And Lynne and Frank are burrrrrrned by the retard sisters.

    7.  Briana doesn't have cancer.  She, Vicki and Donn celebrate with a shot of tequila.   Woo hoo.

    8.  Lynne and Frank go out for dinner to decide whether their marriage is worth saving.  Lynne talks about how much she's sacrificed--she's doing her own hair and skipped her spray tan this week.  She's also having a baboon do her make-up (just a guess). 

    They murmur their clichés to each other and then decide to stay together.  Big surprise. 

    9.  Gretchen Christine Beauté makes its debut at the Women's Expo.  Not exactly sure what that is, but Gretchen appears to be headlining it.  She has obviously shelled out a lot of dough for her booth, which is really more of a satin tent with a disco floor and huge sexy photos of Gretchen herself.  

    According to Gretchen, thirty thousand people attended last year's expo, but this year?  Empty.  Crickets, except for one girl wearing an ipod and work-out clothes.   Gretchen is confident it's just the bad economy and remains optimistic.

    "I know you're just dropping off fliers for the Italian buffet next door, but can I interest you in a makeover and some dancing by Slade Smiley?"

    10.  I'm not even going to talk about Tamra's birthday dinner with Simon.  Same old arguments (Vicki is like Hitler, Tamra is cuckoo-crazy and Simon doesn't tongue her in public anymore).  They take a gondola ride to dee-vorce. 


    Next week, the FINALE and traditional end of season party.  Alexa and Raquel get drunk, Lauri Waring makes an appearance, and Tamra screams to Simon "Iwantadivorcefuckyou!"  Then, at long last, sweet relief when the Real Housewives of New York City premieres.


    An offering

    I didn't watch Real Housewives of Orange County last night (went to see him and him, muy bueno) and won't be around today, but please feel free to discuss the show in my ignorance and absence.  Recap will be up on Monday, so hold some back, okay?

    In the meantime, please enjoy this tiny Ramoner gif, the creation of which stretched my brain to its very limits.

    Have a splendid weekend, kittens!