Stop calling him Maurice, you bitch

Yeah I'm talkin' to you, Kim.  Who do you think you're fooling?  "Maurice" is a man with a discolored tooth and smeary glasses who lives in a basement apartment with dry cat food sprinkled on the linoleum, crunching under his feet as he warms up canned beef stew.  It is also the name of a cheap juniors store located in dying malls everywhere. 

"Maurice" is worlds away from your brother-in-law Mauricio, a sexy Mexican love machine with a warm honey accent who simply doesn't want his sister-in-law to LIE TO HIS FACE ON HIS BIRTHDAY.  Is that too much to ask?  IS IT?

I'm going vegan this week, as well as sugar-free and gluten-free.  I also started my period yesterday.  This means I swing violently between two moods: obnoxious/self-righteous and murderous.  I'm telling you this 1) as a subtle threat to Kim Richards, and 2) as a way of informing you that I really have nothing meaningful or positive to say about anything, including It's a Brad Brad World.  So please discuss these dumb stupid shows in the comments and also let me know if you want any further descriptions of Maurice. 

I love you all, and that is The Truth.

Oh, and you know those commercials you have to sit through before you can watch a video clip on Bravo?  I think I just saw Chris Elwood, of fired Flipping Out fame, in one of them.

Muy interesante, huh?

The best moment from last night, slightly reinterpreted

"What medications am I on?  Hmmm.  Let's see.  Chloroform, marzipan, listeria, tiricisjsjiengns and the odd spray of cranberry fir room freshener."

"Wow, that's enough to sedate an elephant.  No wonder everyone thinks you're a tweaker.  Wait--you're not drinking alcohol while you're on these meds, are you?"

 

  "Wha?  Oh no.  I'd never do that.  I don't touch alcohol anymore.  I would never never never drink alcohol while on these drugs because that would be....?????"

"Dangerous!"

 

  "Dangerous!  Absolutely!  I would never do something dangerous.  It'd be like burying your face in cocaine or something stupid like that, right?  Haha!  That probably wouldn't get a person extra-high or anything.  Would it?"

"Kim, that question concerns me.  Why do you ask?"

"No reason.  I'm just curious.  Curious Kim!  Curious Kim with a horrible controlling sister, no money and a beat-down hobo for a boyfriend.  Every reason to participate in a healthy, non-destructive lifestyle, Paul."

That's the conversation that was really happening.  We all know it.

Was anyone else disappointed that the psychic didn't turn to Faye Resnick and say "Nicole is here and she says OJ did it."  I was waiting for it.  Expecting it.  Why invite Faye to a seance if you're not going to ask about OJ?!  Total disregard of Chekov's gun, Andy Cohen.  

Thoughts on this season so far?  Is anyone watching Atlanta?  I accidentally did.  Missed you guys.  xxoo 

Sad.

By now, you probably all know that Russell Armstrong committed suicide last night.

I keep deleting what I have written because it just sounds so trite and gross.  No matter what we thought of him, this is just sad news.

What are your thoughts?

(Thanks to those of you who were urgently emailing me. I was in a meeting all morning and was probably the last person on earth to find out.)

First I met a baby named Audrina (yes, after that Audrina)

and then I saw this:

and that's how I know it's shaping up to be a very good day.

JLo and Marc Anthony, yes. Taylor and Russell, NO!!!!

Just kidding.  We all saw this coming.  I'm sure TMZ has had this article written for months and just had to insert "Friday."  Go HERE more details.

Thanks to CLRB for the hot tip.