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    Entering the kingdom of Jesus

    ...through violence and unchecked rage!  Is there any other way? Nothing says LET ME INTO HEAVEN NOW like trying to drunkenly beat your brother-in-law to death at your baby's baptism.

    Oh boy.

    I wasn't going to watch this season of Real Housewives of New Jersey.  Didn't dvr it.  Didn't even remember it.  I don't like this group.  Not even Caroline Manzo.  You heard me.  Not interested.  Then I came back from the grocery store (with three kinds of ice cream--HOLLA) to find my Housewives-averse husband watching it.  I know.  I can't explain it.  Sometimes that's just how the universe works.  Anyhow, the Lizzie Grubman scene was on, and I have this thing for Lizzie Grubman.

    Gaunt and leathery with a few strands of bleached hair pasted to her skull, Lizzie Grubman looks like a homeless Kelly Ripa with a 5 year meth addiction under her belt.  And she loves to ram her SUV into crowds of people yet is allowed to roam around free.  It's fascinating to me.  She is a Swiffer mop and I am a tiny dirt lady.

    It therefore makes perfect sense to me that Jacqueline's nasty little Ashley is interning for Lizzie.  "You are me," Lizzie hisses after Ashley breaks down into big puffy tears because her mom won't pay for a place in the city.  Well, I wouldn't go that far.  Ashley is young and plump in a good (albiet spoiled) way, while Lizzie looks like a female Gollum.  But both do have criminal records.  Cheers to that!

    I would have been satisfied with this storyline, but no--there's something much bigger brewing.  The main story, the Andy Cohen $$$ Story, revolves around the building tension between Teresa and her sister-in-law/new Housewife Melissa. 

    "Mirror mirror on the wall, who has the highest hairline of them all?"

    Melissa thinks she is hot shit times 100, but I am so anti-Giudice that I immediately decide that I will like Melissa.  No matter what comes out of her mouth, I am going to like her for the sole reason that she hates Teresa.  Oh, this will be a tough promise to keep.

    Why does Melissa hate Teresa?  Well, Teresa's grunting pig husband Joe Giudice--not to be confused with Melissa's grunting pig husband Joe Gorga (also Teresa's brother)--has been badmouthing Joe Gorga to Daddy Gorga.  It's all very serious and complicated.  By the way, do you want to  know how to tell the Joes apart?  I'll tell you.  Joe Giudice is the one who looks like a lobotomized pregnant gorilla and Joe Gorga is the one who looks like he's smeared Rogaine all over his face and then been crushed with an anvil.

    So Melissa's baby (yet another Joe) is being christened, and Pregnant Gorilla and Teresa just straight up do not want to go.  They don't say so, but they are both dicking around, waiting for the hairdresser (who just happens to be held up at Melissa's) and not getting dressed.  As I watch Teresa rifle through dozens, maybe hundreds of expensive little girl purses and trudge around her palatial home bitching about her late hairdresser, my contempt for her is given fresh life.   Those greasy, fur-covered, bankrupt Giudices!  Still spending, still flaunting as if they don't have a care in the world.  And then, just when I think they can't get any more disgusting, Joe announces that he has diarrhea, and Teresa tells the camera that she might too.  Fantastic.

    This is Joe's excuse for not going to the church. He has decided that he is going to have diarrhea until it's time to go to the party and drink for free.  Teresa can't do a damn thing about it and she knows it.  "Howz ya stomach, Joe?" she yells sarcastically at Joe as he saunters around the garage while she pulls out of the driveway with two of their be-ruffled kids.  I'm pretty sure he told her to fuck off.

    Meanwhile, the Gorgas head to church, excited for their son "to enter the kingdom of Jesus." 

    Because religion is very important to this family.  Nevermind that Melissa is at church in a flimsy, off-the-shoulder coral mini-dress dripping with polished aquarium stones.  It's what's inside that counts, and Melissa is good on the inside while Teresa and her husband are not.  The Giudices treat the world like their very own diaper, crapping on everyone and everything and poisoning the minds of other family members.  

    Even though it's early and the baptism hasn't started, Melissa knows Teresa and Joe aren't there yet and she rolls her eyes as she chalks up another point for her perfect self.  Those damn not-early Giudices!  Typical.  The baby is finally baptized and afterwards, Teresa comes rushing up, all smiles and congratulations.  She's at least trying to put on the appearance of giving a shit, whereas Melissa isn't.  Nope.  Not at all.

    Let's skip to the good part:  the christening party!  Love and happiness!  Celebration!  Well, no.  Melissa and her sisters are raising their eyebrows and talking trash about Teresa and Joe, and Teresa is telling the camera that she had at least two hunnert at her christening party while it looks like Melissa doesn't even have a hunnert n fifty.  Then Joe Giudice appears and gives a stiff smile and congratulations to Joe Gorga.  Joe Gorga offers him a shot and while Joe Giudice refuses politely enough, Bravo's music and Joe Gorga's intense scowl let us know the gauntlet has now been thrown DOWN.  Apparently it is very bad manners to turn down a shot at a christening party, even if you do have pretend diarrhea.

    "Melissa honey, where'd you put the 'My Baptism' shot glass I bought for the baby?"

    Unaware of all of this, Teresa is still trying to pretend everything is fine.  She approaches her brother and Melissa at their table with more smiles and more congratulations, and Joe Gorga, who is now pretty bombed gives her the most menacing murder look you have ever seen.  He tells her to "walk away like you always do" and "you're garbage."  You know, the normal things you say to your adult sister in public.  Teresa seems genuinely shocked and says something like "if you feel that way, then why did you invite me?"   THEN, Melissa's sister, with whom Teresa had been friendly at one time, says "it was a formality" (or something super-bitchy to that effect) and it is now officially ON. 

    The fight that ensues is a free for all and the most violent thing I have seen since Teresa Giudice's last brawl.  Every man in that room is out for BLOOD, rivers of blood.  Joe Guidice and Joe Gorga are lunging, trying to beat the guts out of each other, but they are somehow restrained, which is unfortunate because this mutant bloodline needs to be cut off immediately. 

    One of the Bravo camera people--whom I hope is getting some sort of combat pay--is knocked flat, and for a while, all we see is a Blair Witch style of cinematography with jerking shots of the ceiling and blurred people running for their lives.  Meanwhile, Joe Gorga (or is it Joe Giudice?  Just joking, it's definitely assface Joe Gorga) is threatening mass murder and sweating like he just emerged from the trunk of car in the middle of July.

    During this melee, one of the remaining Bravo cameras focuses on one of the many crosses decorating the room.  For a good 5 seconds, I'd say, while we can hear people screaming and children crying and chairs breaking and faces being pounded. 

    I think this shot should be nominated for an Emmy.

    Before I go any further, I would like to say that before this scene, my husband asked how Melissa and brother Joe got on the show and a lightbulb clicked on for me.  Who else but Teresa could bring them onto the show?  Fake a little family rancor on camera, throw some punches, and everyone cashes in.  No biggie.  I was totally behind this theory until I see 9 year old Gia crying and begging her mom to stop and Teresa's elderly, sickly dad is being pushed around while obviously very distressed.  This fight was not staged for a reality show and good ratings, this is how these people really behave.  AT A RELIGIOUS PARTY.  FOR A BABY.  They are wild animals, the women screeching like monkeys (well, monkeys dressed like Bratz dolls) and the men foaming at the mouth, relishing the thought of ripping a beating heart out of a chest with their teeth.

    It was craziness like I have never before seen on tv.  Or real life, for that matter.  The really weird thing about it to me is that in this video, Melissa (who is every bit as detestable as Teresa, if not more so) says of the fight "if you don't shed a tear, then you are made of stone." 

    WHAT?  Why would anyone cry for these bird-brained assholes?  WHY?  I may have lost control of my bladder, but I certainly did not cry.  These are awful, awful people.  Entertaining, but awful.  Did you watch?  Speak up!

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    Reader Comments (35)

    "She is a Swiffer mop and I am a tiny dirt lady."

    you are a genius, SGM- a genius, i tell you!

    May 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermaison21

    More than any other show in the franchise, I think this could be the one where someone dies. No one in Atlanta will die over a weave, but here in NJ, someone will. It's going to be up to Bravo to reassess what "good entertainment" is and pull the plug on this show before A. Cohen is summoned before a grand jury. Just sayin'

    May 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteranon

    I watched in amazement because this shiz is real. Wow. There are really people out there like this!

    May 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSarah's Fab Day

    I can't believe I never made the connection that they're dressed like Bratz dolls. That just blew my mind. Melissa and her sisters are SO JEALOUS of Theresa's fame. Now it's their turn to make complete asses of themselves for the world to see. I thought this season might suck since that mutant Danielle is gone, but no no...I was mistaken!

    May 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJM

    glad you are on board!

    felt like i was going to have a heart attack WORRYING that old man Gorga was going to croak during the episode. shit was stressful.

    May 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterbetsy

    I'm crying. . .from laughter, of course, and maybe a little bit for the demise of humanity. Thanks so much for the recap. I still haven't watched this debaucle, but you've piqued my interest enough now, I might actually waste an hour and a half of my time watching this crappity-crap-craptastic family. Again, thanks so much for coming back!

    May 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnonymous

    BUT: Would any of it have happened if the BravoTV cameramen weren't there?

    May 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteranon

    No mention of Albie? Shame on you, SGM.

    (PS: Your skirted ottoman with the ball fringe will be ready in 4 to 12 months.)

    Harvey Millstein, CID

    May 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteranon

    Neanderthals. Dinyell doesn't seem so bad afterall!

    May 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterrosebud

    I don't know what I'm more horrified at. That I spent 90 minutes watching those beasts or how truly awful they are. I love how Joe Gorga says his is " kind of embarassed by his behavior." Only kind of?!?! WTF. If my husband ever acted like that I would insist that we move to the most remote part of the world. And during his interview he was chewing tobacco, such a class act.

    May 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSheila

    Yay!!! You watched!!

    Brace yourselves- Highest Ratings EV-ER!

    "A total of 2.02 million adults ages 18-49 tuned in to watch the third season take off. The "Real Housewives of New Jersey" not only broke viewing records but also broke the record for the biggest première of the "housewives" franchise with 2.87 million total viewers and their best performance for Monday nights to date."

    Honestly, I wasn't AT ALL surprised by any of these shenanigans. It really is a different fucking planet in that state. I was actually thankful for all the bad behavior. What else would there have been? The Manzo's boring dinner? The Hoboken projects? Oh wait! I did LOVE the new girl Kathy's husband. The Lebanese Shark. Breakout star of the year.

    May 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJen

    I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I watched most of the episode gape-mouthed in disbelief at the mob family's christening ball. I mean, c'mon, did you see the Gorgo house? Oh yeah, he's a "developer". I thought I was watching Mob Wives instead of the lovely RHONJ ladies.
    "Joe Guidice is the one who looks like a lobotomized pregnant gorilla and Joe Gorda is the one who looks like he's smeared Rogaine all over his face and then been crushed with an anvil." LMAO.
    And what's with the other Manzo kid and his Cajun talk? I wanted to smack him.

    May 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKOC

    My husband, two 16 year daughters and I watched in absolute horror. My heart was racing as I watched the kids and elderly dad during the fight. I can't think think of one damn thing to say that is witty, humorous or snarky. How ridiculous is it that I can't wait until next weeks's episode!?!

    May 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJo

    I had to take a muscle relaxer, as I had wrung my neck from shaking my head more vigorously every minute I watched this dreck. But, watch it, I did. There were many scenes that made me want to throw my seemingly ever-empty wine glass at the screen, but these folks just aren't worth it. Certainly, not a drop of my wine, or my garage sale wine glasses.

    What I really just don't get: Who wears a tacky, bejeweled, one shoulder schmatta with fuck-me stilettos to a christening?!!! In a Catholic church?!!! I thought that modesty was paramount when attending Catholic services - cover you arms, not expose your shoulders and the deepest cleavage money can buy. Maybe, I'm just too old school.

    As far as the 'reality' of this episode, I tend to agree that most of it was too 'real' for comfort. Rograine Joe said despicable things to his sister - for millions to see! As I see it, RJ is jealous of Teresa and Gorilla Joe, and thinks he's losing his poor, beloved, elderly father to the bloated GJ. (So, RJ thinks to himself "Let's me and GJ honor him by beating the shit out of each other", with him in harms way, not to mention 'honoring' the new Joe.) And, he's obviously jealous (along with wife and sister) of Teresa's 'stardom' and why their scenes at her previous ridiculous parties were cut by Bravo.

    I wanted to stop watching, as every other part of the show was worthless, with the exception of Ashley and Lizzie Grubman. I just couldn't decide who I wanted to bitch slap more - they were both so deserving. I think Jacqueline seems like a good mother, (if perhaps a little lenient). But, why would she support Ashley having an unpaid internship with a convicted felon, who says she identified with her minion? Lizzie Grubman = fame whore = payday for Bravo. I still am surprised Jacqueline allowed this to happen. Despite her other efforts, she ended up with a daughter with a record for assault, who learned nada from her experience with the justice system, and continues to be a worthless, 'unable to get to work' (her scenes) on time excuse for a daughter and is seemingly a clueless young woman.

    I need to quit watching - it's getting depressing. But keep up the posts, SGM, I love your writing, and I'm going to be curious to know all RHW's fodder.


    May 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterjoanne

    Wasn't it just wonderful TV! I wonder if having the TV cameras there helped to stir the pot? I mean his sister is Teresa the table flipper from NJ maybe they felt the need to compete? But when Gia was crying and Joe was yelling at his father," I'm your son", that was a tad disturbing

    My hero is Chris Laurita, love how he shuts Ashley down yet offers her a plan, we all deserve a dad like that oops and did I see Ashley's "real" dad showing up this season? That could be interesting

    Thanks for the recap LOVE your perspective because its mine!!!

    May 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMolliee

    I *did* watch...even though I swore I wouldn't. Andy Cohen is a genius! And you? I swear...your recap was funnier than the show was on TV. And absolutely spot on. Your descriptions of these "people" (animals) are hysterical and sadly absolute perfection. I hate that I'm paying for their 'stuff'...but what entertainment!

    Thank you so much for your musings. They always...and I mean *always*... brighten my day. Love love love the Lizzie Grubman description. OMG...perfection!

    May 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterFunTimesForMe

    I'm watching, in horror and can't look away.

    'Jacqueline's nasty little Veruca Salt of a daughter'. Best line ever. I can see her stamping her feet and screaming, 'Daddy, I want an oompa-loompa, NOW'.

    May 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterLittle Edie

    Every time I see the Bravo shot of them all together in their one arm dresses I think of Wilma Flintstone.

    May 19, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterjenniferjayhawk

    whatever. that's what it's like around here when i have my period.

    Classic RHONJ, love your post they are the BEST!

    May 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterDuff

    I just wanted to say thank you for my biggest laugh of the week. I didn't watch this episode because, like you, I decided I wasn't going to watch RHONJ this season, but I just could not resist your recap. Your "Swiffer" and "Emmy" comments made ME lose control of my bladder. And I didn't even have to go through that "Oh-God-I-just-spent-an-hour-watching-people-who-get-paid-more-than-me-to-act-the-fool" feeling I usually get after watching RHONJ. I absolutely love you.

    SGM- all the fun, none of the guilt!

    May 19, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterAnon

    can't wait to steal the swiffer metaphor. consider it stolen. those commercials crack me up every time, but this post fucking did it for me. bravo is full of genius's cause this shit be unbelievably amazing good tv. i didn't think i could watch this season, danielle really turned me off of last season and not in a rubber necking train wreck way, but more in a sad leave the stupid lady alone way. But this season is promising something really special. like first love kinda special, where you can't put your finger on it, but you know you can't live without it.

    May 20, 2011 | Unregistered Commenteremily henderson

    Thanks for the recap, funny as hell.

    I guess I'm in the minority because I knew people like this in real life and it wasn't fun. Seeing Gia's face as she was trying to pull her mother away ( before anything major had even started) from her uncle was really sad. I can relate to how she was feeling. That said it made for great entertainment, especially with the other franchises totally sucking this season.

    I really hate the scenes with the Manzo's. I'm glad they're happy and have a nice life, but they're very boring. Not missing Danielle either. I also felt bad for her, she could use some good therapy if only for the sake of her kid's.

    May 20, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMary Jane

    Oh god, I had not laughed this hard in a very loooong time, it was much needed.
    My husband was looking at me like "she must have lost her mind" as I was reading "One of the Bravo camera people--whom I hope is getting some sort of combat pay--is knocked flat, and for a while, all we see is a Blair Witch style of cinematography with jerking shots of the ceiling and blurred people running for their lives. Meanwhile, Joe Gorga (or is it Joe Guidice? Just joking, it's definitely assface Joe Gorga) is threatening mass murder and sweating like he just emerged from the trunk of car in the middle of July."
    Pure genius!

    May 20, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterworkinmomma

    Anyone else recall Teresa explaining her fight with Danielle by saying that she never acts that way around anyone else? That Danielle brings it out in her and that it was an aberration, never to be repeated? Yeah, she put the lie to that one. Bullying, fighting and screaming are normal for the Gorgas and Giudices.

    I like the reference you made to grownups dressed like Bratz dolls. Anyone else remember the Bratz murals in the Giudice girl's bedrooms, personalized with their names? They are raised to be like this. It's intentional. They grow up wearing giant puff balls on their tiny heads and sequins on everything, so it makes sense to dress like you're out for in a wild night in Vegas when you're actually going to a baptism.

    It looked like some roid rage on Joe Gorga's part, fueled by a topper of alcohol.

    May 20, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterCandace

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