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    "You down with G-O-D? Yeah you know me..."

    Someone has written this song, right?  If not, I will.  And then I will perform it with perhaps a little autotune.   

    As my friend Leslie said to me today, Real Housewives of Orange County is classic television.  It is the original, the trailblazer, the show that led to all of the Housewife mutations and many, many bonuses for the whiskey-sipping Andy Cohen.  Vicki is the one constant on this show--the cockroach, if you will--the one who survives every single season and comes back for more.  In a one-shouldered shirt at work, no less. 


    My feelings for Vicki are complicated, but I can tell you that I love to watch her.  I even felt a little bit protective of her when Donn called her a dumbfuck (which really disappointed me, by the way.  You're better than that, Donn Gunvalson). 

    I will not be recapping this episode but I do want to hear your opinions.  Did you feel a strange shift of allegiances while watching?  I went from disliking Alexis to kind of admiring her--not only for disciplining her kids on camera, but for standing up to Gretchen, who was being a total drunk a-hole to everyone.  Even calling God "the G-O-D," Alexis showed a glimmer of humor that was heretofore non-existent.  Also she looked really pretty in that maxi-dress.

    I've always been on Gretchen's side in her war against Tamra, but she was super mean and nasty at the shopping party.  I just kept wondering, why are you even there, Gretchen?  If you hate her and you can't forget, WHY ARE YOU EVEN AT TAMRA'S (BOYFRIEND'S) HOUSE?  But then I remembered that this was a tv show.  Then I cried for a little bit during commercials. 

    "Hey topless bartender?  Yeah, I'm going home to Slade so I'm gonna need like, 5 more drinks." 

    Tamra claims she is SO HAPPY!  SO FREE!  when she clearly is not.  Am I right? 

    I would also like to hear your thoughts on Bethenny Ever After (I am ashamed by how much I love that show) and Real Housewives of Miami (I washed my hands of it when Cristy asked Adriana, "does he make your bed rock?").

    And now I must take my leave.  My good friend, interior designer and massage therapist Harvey Millstein, sent me a telegram this morning informing me that he has been contacted by a Mr. Fong Chong.  Mr. Chong apparently emailed Harvey because he needs help in "distributing an amount of 10.6,Million(usd)."  As Harvey wrote, "Mr Chong assures me that any anal hiding should last no more than a week to 10 days STOP"  I need to help him craft his response so he doesn't fuck this up.


    You're now down with a discount!  Whatever that means.

    (click through to the blog if you can't see the video)

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    Reader Comments (18)

    I didn't know until premier night that when I changed our Dish package, I lost Bravo.....


    So, unless you do decide to recap episodes, I will just be living my RHOC dreams through you... unless I can watch online.

    March 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJill Himitsu

    Still am a huge fan of Donn. I'd get frustrated and call VIcki a dumbfuck or dumb bitch or whatever he said too every now and then, and it sounds like they were mostly kidding around.
    Still NOT a huge fan of Alexis. "Oh, my life is HARD now! I only have ONE nanny! I have to take care of the kids I made THREE DAYS A WEEK! Divorce is a sin (although this is my second marriage), but I'm SUCH a good person that I am still FRIENDS with a divorcee ANYWAY!!!!"
    Gretchen was an ass. She just needs to leave that shit lie if everyone else is.

    Still love love love Bethenny. I'm still trying to get into RHOM, and failing. I am interested to see the look on Christy's face when Lea sends her an invoice, though. I don't care if you do show up to say hello to everyone and float around the room for a million years. You still need to pay.

    March 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterStacy

    OH! And I really loved Alexis's maxi dress. My giant pregnant self will be living in them this summer, I really want that one.

    March 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterStacy

    I love Bethenny too much, I want her to be my friend and I imagine how much fun we'd have just joking around. Yes, I understand this sounds sad and pathetic - but hey, I AM sad and pathetic.

    I watched 10 min of the first episode Miami and got the hell out of that mess. How does the song go? "Call me Mr. Flintstone I can make your bed rock." Oh great, now I need to barf...

    March 8, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterJenny

    I can't get into miami. I wish they would cancel it and do an entire show of elsa the witch.
    Love bethanys show. Love the people in it.

    OC- can't believe you had nothing to say about jesus barbie son talking into the window crank. How could you miss that? I imagine he was begging the good lord jebus to bring the nanny back. Hehe

    March 8, 2011 | Unregistered Commentercreepy cook

    Does anyone else think that Gretchen looks like a man in drag? She's a pretty girl, but to me she has manly facial features.

    March 9, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterPeggy

    love Bethanny or however she spells her name. I think because she's very authentic.

    I started to watch the new OC housewives and 5 min in when Tamara talked about how "free" she was [and a big fat liar] I couldn't do it. OC may have jumped the shark they aren't likable any more.

    Miami? I can't relate to those women. They should have done a SF group instead. I want to know about the social wranglings of the old and new money there

    March 9, 2011 | Unregistered Commenterrichie

    Is anyone else having trouble commenting? Let me know via email.

    March 9, 2011 | Registered CommenterSGM

    I like RH Miami and I think it's just gonna get better plus its Miami!!

    Alexis, she does seem different, maybe its because that turd of a slimeball hubby will lnot be on the show this season, and maybe this is how Alexis is when he is not around??.........OR maybe Alexis watched many many times all the shows from last season to try and get herself an angle for this season and that angle is to be the peacemaker??? I'm thinking Gretchen's angle is mean/bad girl who drinks!

    March 9, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterMolliee

    We accidentally watched Bethenny Ever After and really enjoyed it, especially the fish-out-of-water thing of her visiting Jason's hometown. I've already set up a series recording on the DVR. RHOC doesn't do it for me, and I refuse to watch RHOM. Waiting for RHONY and hoping it's not terrible.

    March 9, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKathleen

    Did y'all see that Dr. Drew kicked Michaele Salahi off Celebrity Rehab because she isn't addicted to anything - how embarrassing is it that she is such a famewhore that she would try to be on that show?

    I do love Bethenny, really I do. But I can't help but feel bad for all the people she talks about when they see the show - like all the people in Jason's hometown. I saw her on WWHL last night and that was one of the comments someone had and her reply was basically if she was nice, no one would watch her show. True, but I still cringe when she says certain things. And, I feel bad for her in-laws....

    March 9, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterTrudie

    OMG! Thank you for the forum! I've been dying to discuss. Side note: Is it me or is anyone else feeling a bit overwhelmed (and a bit of loser truthfully) at all the shows on now that one MUST watch?!! Seriously, Monday I was flipping back and forth between the Bachelor thing and Bethany and last night I was trying to catch up on back to back re-runs of Basketball Wives when the bff texted me "are you watching Miami?!" OMG! No! I wasn't! So I switch to that ... Uhg It's to much and I have no power to stop myself! Anyway-Love Bethanny. Really love her being nicey-nice and sympathetic to that PAINFULLY socially awkward but funny food guy she keeps seeing. Thought that was nice. OC was tragic as usual. All the day drinking makes me nauseous. That and the ever present "glitter-be-dazzled" crap they STILL wear. NOBODY seems happy so far. NOBODY. Finally Miami. Ehhhh. Elsa (Tony Montana in drag) cracks me up but honestly frightens me with that puss of hers and the bleach blonde with the thick Ricky Ricardo man-voice is creepy too. The rest are just so in LOVE with themselves and clawing to be the pretty-cool girls it's laughable.

    P.S. I LOVE that Michael Silahi got the boot from Dr. Drew. No addictions and NO MS!! Bwhahahahahahahahah!!!!

    I love Bethenny and think she's the best thing Bravo ever had on. She's the best.

    As for Vicky and Tamara, never liked them, never will. I agree with whomever said Gretchen looks like a man.

    Hate the Miami ho-wives and won't watch them after I spent 20 minutes watching the first episode. As far as I'm concerned Miami, OC, Atlanta, DC and NJ can be cancelled. There are plenty of other cities and ho-wives to put on Bravo.

    Looking forward to Ramona in NY and hoping Jill gets her comeuppance.

    March 10, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterNaz

    I LOVE that Bethanny was considered the under-dog and "poor-struggling-single-girl-non chef" by the others and now?????? ROLLIN' IN IT !!!!! Awesome hubby, baby, career, great therapist. She's set!

    "Get yur balls on!"

    Truer words were never spoken. I have really good feelings about this season.

    If I talk any more about how in love I am with Bethenny's entire existence I will be arrested. So for the sake of my children I will keep mum.

    March 13, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermarriedtoachimp

    "I'm so free! And so happy! And possibly a lesbian! But definitely free! And super duper happy!"

    Me thinks she doth protest too much. And also that she's starting to look a little like a rottweiler.

    My sincerest fantasy is that Don is somewhere on Lake Havasu right now drinking Nat Light with a 22 yr old Hooters waitress and spending all of Vicki's money, and having a damn good time in the process. Team Don ALL DAY LONG!

    March 13, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterBoo

    Tru 'dat Boo, tru 'dat.

    March 14, 2011 | Unregistered Commentermarriedtoachimp

    OMG-O-D I have missed you so much!! I agree, Tamra is trying way too hard to prove that she's OK. Every time they flash back to that scene last season where she says, "I'm a free bitch!" and jumps off the couch, I cringe. Her husband was awful though--so degrading and condescending--so I'm happy for her that she's moved on. I felt the same about Vicki last season. She was trying WAY too hard to prove she was happy, with that whole commitment ceremony and the awkward conversation where she called her daughter on vacation and made a point to tell her that she and Donn were falling in love all over again. Blech. I feel the need to brush my teeth, just typing that sentence.

    March 23, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterThe Lil Bee

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