Idiotica
Tuesday, November 29, 2011 
"You tell that attorney that I don't know what he's talking about. I came up with the totally unique idea of red soles many unspecified years ago. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to head back to Thrones Etc. to do a little more shopping."
"Pandora, before we discuss these ridiculous asshole invitations--have you heard my Maloof joke? I think she should call her shoe line Maloof's Hoofs! Get it? Maloof? Hoof? It's good, right?"
"...and then I said 'Maloof's Hoofs!' Ha! Isn't that something?!"
"What are you talking about? I specifically ordered those ugly oversized white lamps. I basically just want 20 of them to sit there and visually ruin the party."
"I sure hope Russell doesn't hit anyone tonight, but if he does, I hope it's Camille."
"Totally! She's nobody without Kelsey. By the way, did you even know my boobs were this big? I'm thinking I should teach blow-jays on the side."
"Lisa, I need to speak with you in private. Giggy needs to go home. He's not invited."
"Huh. Isn't that interesting. I was going to tell you a really funny joke, but now I'm not."
"Lisa, if he's not out of here in 5 seconds, I'm handing him over to Chef Bernie. I really don't have time for this--I still have to put on another seven coats of make-up and then make sure none of my shoes will be visible on the runway (per legal advice)."
"You're quite rude, aren't you, darling? Now you'll never hear my joke. Never! And it's good. Quite brilliant, really."
"Not interested, bitch. See ya."
"At least give me a fake hug. But don't trip over your Maloof's Hoofs. Bahahahaha! There! Told you it was bloody brilliant!"
"Ah, Christy. Let this be a lesson to you: with perseverance, other people's ideas, and a buttload of cash, dreams can turn into reality."
Reader Comments (13)
You. Are. Brilliant.
And can I just say - what da HAIL was up with that green dress of Kyle's? It was like she was smuggling second and third heads in that thing. Horrific. Also horrific? Taylor and Russel's therapy session. WHY are they showing that? Painful. I felt like I should have showered afterwards.
:) Love it!
Chef Bernie would love to boil Jiggy/Giggy. Considering his distaste for Lisa.
He's dying to serve a little Giggy satay, for sure!
Don't you hate it when the owners of the Palms Casino and Planet Hollywood are fighting over who gets to host your bachelorette party--I mean it's so annoying!!!
My tweet regarding Kyle's green dress "Could Kyle's dress make her boobs look any more ginormous?". Good. Lord. And honestly seeing Russell on the show is so weird and uncomfortable. It's like they gave up on the editing, like we forgot what ultimately happened.
Note to Pandora. Please spend some of the invitation budget on a better hair color that doesn't make you look twice your age. Your bad do is distracting me from my stories and we can't have that.
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why are you so goddamn hilarious?! i love it
Check out Maloof's arms in that first picture. I work with two women over 60 whose arms look exactly like that. How old is The Maloof? Can Science even determine her age, given that she is composed of discarded autopsy parts kludged together with Restylane and Gorilla Glue®?
Sincerely,
Harvey Millstein, CID
After conducting extensive research on wikipedia, I discovered that Maloof is 50. 50! Using plastic surgery math (too complicated to go into here) I would have pegged her at 45-47. WOW.
Thank you, Harv, for the registered trademark symbol.
This show is like the collaboration of glamour girl and desperate housewives and I love every scenes in their weekly episode airing.
This had me cackling. Recently I've seen 3 of those super freaks in the flesh. You are hilarious. I can't wait to read more.