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    "I used to be a fun gay. I'm not a fun gay anymore."

    "So, uh, your choices are brown, dark brown, and really dark brown."

    Dearest Jeff,

    You're back!  I am so thrilled.  While I'm eager to discuss the Season 4 opener of Flipping Out with you, I first must eat some pie--and don't bother looking for it on the McDonald's dollar menu because it's not there.  I'm talking about humble pie.  Last year, I didn't think Ryan was stealing business from you.  To quote Ramoner, I thought you were making a mountain out of a hole hill.  But after watching this episode and hearing about the flood of business you've been getting, as well as more stories of clients who felt they were misled, I now believe that you were right.   I apologize for doubting you.  If it makes you feel any better, I also believed Jon Gosselin when he said that the woman he was with in a bar at 2am was "just a friend."  I am clearly handicapped when it comes to reading people.  Please forgive me.

    Let's talk about the show.

    Your life is busier than ever.  You have jobs not only in LA, but in other states. 

    If you're not driving or flying to see a client, you're meeting a client.  Your one meal of the day consists of chicken McNuggets with a Binaca chaser.  You finally arrive home only to find that your employees are making mistakes and your animals are peeing and pooping in the house with impudence.  Life is filled with pressure and stress.  To the camera, you lament that you are no longer a "fun gay."

    Jeff, I was gay for a few days this summer and I also dabble in life-coaching, so I feel I'm qualified to advise you on this matter.  When I was feeling not-so-fun (common among lesbians), I'd often meditate and then go out with friends.  Other times, I'd score some coke and get a hooker.  Either way, pretty soon I'd be feeling fun again.  There are many ways to feel like a fun gay, Jeff.  Don't limit yourself. 

    Speaking of lesbians,  

    you said (indirectly about your clients Nancy and Emily), "You just don't want to push a lesbian too far because they can get tough.  I love lesbians, but you have know your boundaries.  She could lay me out on that floor in two seconds."

    YOU ARE SO RIGHT.  I'll spare you the details of my own experience, but let's just say that there is nothing more painful than getting a Birkenstock to the crotch.  I hope for your sake that their renovation goes smoothly. 

    Jett's hair is looking so much better, and his baby is adorable. 

    I would so Hand-that-Rocks-the-Cradle that situation if I were Jenni.  Yes indeed.  Oh, and while we're on the subject of Jett, he explained in detail how to make your favorite drink, a blue cheese stuffed olive Grey Goose dirty martini.  I hope you cleared that with Vicki Gunvalson because it's actually her drink (see here).  Watch your back.  She's not a lesbian but I bet she fights like one.  

    Sara is delightful.  Last season, I was very jealous of her, which caused me to direct a lot of anger and criticism her way.  Now, thanks to months of therapy and pharmaceutical intervention, I find her sweet and guileless--the perfect foil for you.  Remember when you made her pick up "booger napkins" that someone had left on the ground?  And then you both playfully joked about smelling like trash?  In the past I would have found a way to crucify her on this blog, but now I simply throw my butterscotch mojito at the tv and forget about it.   Progress!

    Let's talk about the Nicaraguan Inquisition, shall we?  You hounded Zoila in front of the whole office about where she was going until she finally confessed she was getting a bikini wax.  The joke was ultimately on you because she has figured out that she just has to say anything personal and private like that and you'll let her go.  But still, you were out of line.  And even though I was mortified to watch you go on and ask about a Brazilian, it was worth it to see this:

    You have finally unlocked the secret to ruffling Trace--talk about Zoila's pubic hair. 

    Jenni looks fantastic.

    I am so happy to hear she's dating someone.  I know that you are not so pleased, and that you think she is distracted by her new relationship and the attendant sexting.  You feel it's causing her to make mistakes, such as when she forgot to bring the client's phone number and you were unable to call when you were running late.  If you'd like, I could coach her on the matter of showing proper remorse.  I'm thinking earsplitting wailing followed by lying down in front of the car, begging to be run over.  I do that for my husband and he finds it very satisfying. 

    You looked especially handsome in this episode.  I like how you've incorporated flannel into your wardrobe.  Very butch.  That reminds me--I am thinking of doing a topless calendar with the men of Bravo.  Ideally, the group would be you, Jett, Albie, Sheree and Donn Gunvalson.  Maybe Andy Cohen if he waxes his chest.  Are you interested?  If the idea of showing so much skin turns you off, I would consider letting you wear suspenders and a bow-tie.  Let me know.

    Congrats on the outstanding season opener!



    Reader Comments (28)

    speechless with love and awe.

    did you happen to notice extra pillowyness in jeff's upper lip? i am hoping it explodes on camera

    August 15, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermy favorite and my best

    I was excited about the new season but I have to say, it was a little more of the same (i.e., "my minions are fuck-ups, Zoila can't clean worth a shit, you messed up: just apologize!). Hoping it gets a little more unpredictable during the next few episodes.

    August 15, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkellyt

    p.s. Jett isn't in the opening credits. Not a good sign. :(

    August 15, 2010 | Unregistered Commenterkellyt

    I disagree on your Ryan comment. Economy is better, Jeff is more famous and responding to website inquiries rather than blowing them off and he's not doing his own spec houses, but focusing on design business. For those reasons, of course he's seeing an uptick in business. I wish he would just get over google adsense fued and move on. however doesn't seem to be in the cards which is a shame.

    August 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterKathleen G.

    MFAMB, so plump and juicy!

    Kelly, I agree with you that I hope it gets more unpredictable, and I think it will. Clients are going to be disappointed in him, which is uncharted territory for JLD. And Jett...I am so confused. In this episode, Jeff was all "JETT IS MY BEST EMPLOYEE EVER" and then he's not in the opening credits. (good eye, btw, I hadn't noticed that). I hope he's not the one to go.

    Kathleen G, I do love me some Ryan and I miss his calming presence on the show. But Jeff's show is one big (entertaining) commerical--he should have been getting much more business than he was. Plus the stories from the clients--I think Ryan definitely has some culpability.

    Other important news: Did you all see Jeana from OC is going to be sobbing on Thintervention with Jackie Warner? I'm all over that.

    August 15, 2010 | Registered CommenterSGM

    i love you and would consider becoming a lesbian for you. and while i don't wear birkenstocks yet, my sister does have a suburu outback. and i'm sure i can borrow it for our date if you'd like.
    just sayin'.
    let me know.

    Yep, Jeff's definitely been hitting the lip-filler needle ... Also very worried about Jett's fate. (BTW: What the hell is he doing wasting his days as Jeff's houseboy and not working as a male model or high-priced gigolo?)

    August 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLeah

    I would like to find one person on the planet who can step forward and say, with credibility: "Yes, Jeff was once a fun gay."

    August 15, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteranon

    I thought Jon Gosselin was out at a bar with a friend too!!

    August 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterStephenny

    He-ree for the month of Manuary

    August 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterLittle Edie

    I love you SGM and JL too!

    August 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMary

    I also noticed Jett's lip, but I think he's making a conscious effort to cover up his bad teeth.

    August 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHouse of Hummel

    I finally caved and started watching Flipping Out. Now I know what all the excitement is about! I was actually laughing out loud. Zoila is the icing on the cake.

    August 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterMelanie

    Zoila is my hero.

    August 15, 2010 | Unregistered Commenter-RS

    Why the hate anon? JL is and always will be a fun gay. Even when he is not a fun gay he is still a fun gay. That is the beauty of JL.

    As usual, SGM, your post had me peeing my pajama pants.

    August 15, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteranon 2

    JL is and always will be a fun gay.

    Yes, to straight women.

    August 15, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteranon3

    I live for your recaps, they complete me.

    I would date you if I (and you) dabbled in lesbianism. I would probably have to be the husband though because I am like 2 feet taller than you and I wear Birkenstocks (the Gizeh, damn). We could be like Ellen and Portia de Rossi.

    Call me if Frank ever runs over your ass. :)

    August 15, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterZakary

    I know this is the Flipping Out forum but umm, question regarding the worst show Bravo's put together in YEARS: RH of DC... what happened to Rizzo's neck? Has she been knifed?

    August 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBL

    MFAMB said it best. You do satirical snark better than anyone.

    And that whole upper lip entering the room ahead of the man is just bizarre.

    August 16, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterHollyM

    I think the whole cast is looking good. I love Jeff's SLIGHTLY different haircut this season. I'm glad he's getting a lot of business and I do not think we need Ryan on the show. He just makes Jeff feel bad. I disagree about him trying to hide bad teeth. JL would never have bad teeth. He would knock out every tooth in his head and get new ones if they were even slightly yellowed, misshapen, or rotten and couldn't be fixed. JL would never in a million years miss a trip to the dentist. I believe him to have excellent dental hygiene. But the lips are too big now.
    I love Jenni and love the dynamic between her and Jeff. However, I think she is wasting her life away. She is way too smart for her job. I'm sure she's having fun with him and the show, but she needs to move on. Like Bethenny did.

    August 16, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteranon

    I love Jeff's SLIGHTLY different haircut

    I think you mean: "hair"cut

    August 16, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteranon

    OMG, fellow anon, you think he has fake hair???? I guess he would do that, but you THINK? I don't want him to have fake hair!

    August 16, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteranon

    Fake hair. Genius.

    August 17, 2010 | Unregistered Commentermarriedtoachimp

    anon is just jealous of the hair, the life, all of it. He must not be a fun gay anymore.

    August 17, 2010 | Unregistered Commenteri heart jeff

    Whoever thinks RHODC is the worst show Bravo ever churned out obviously missed "Date My Ex". Putrid with a capital PUTRID.
    I still cackle when I think of Slade in his giant slouchy beret' and loosely tied scarf attempting to look trendy. The show plumbed the depths of awful!

    August 18, 2010 | Unregistered CommenterBarb

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